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Saturday, June 27, 2009
Missing You Sometimes at night, when I lay down to sleep, I start to think... Then I imagine that you lie beside me... I wish you could really be here, just to whisper, "I love you," in my ear. I would turn around and say, "I love you, too." But will it ever be true? When can i really feel u beside me and I wonder some more, so I close my eyes and picture your face... I fall asleep dreaming of you. In my dream it seems so true. It's as if I can really feel your kisses against my lips... and when i open my eyes in the morning and you're nowhere to be seen, I feel so lonely cause i miss u so Though u aren't always by my side though we may not always see each other But rest assured you are always on my mind missing u it hurts yes it does but all i need to do is to look into my heart and i am sure i will find you there Friday, June 26, 2009  Have been busy all this week.. Busy preparing for presentation.. Busy with school homeworks.. Busy with moral project.. Busy with decorating my class.. Busy with tuitions.. Busy with oral and lisan.. Well.. Last year.. My school teacher told me.. Form4 is honeymoon year.. OF CAUSE I DISAGREE WITH THAT! Form4 are even worst than Form3.. Well at least.. Last time Form3.. I still can get to sleep for 2-4 period in class.. Now.. Not even 3 period.. Heh.. Then.. Homework damn many like hell.. Sure got homework one.. This year don't know zo ma gai sia.. I spend alot money but don't know spend on WHERE.. Food? Drinks? Movies? Singing? Hah.. Maybe.. Most of it.. Is from buying friend's present.. LUCKY TO BE MY FRIEND RIGHT?! Hahaha.. Well..Maybe? Sometimes.. I question myself.. For few times.. Do true friend really exsists.. I hope they are.. Is not that my friends around me ain't good.. It's just like sometimes.. Where were them when I needed them?? Even my birthday.. I planned everything for myself.. Not even a surprice.. Is not I wanted that.. Is just that.. I needed them to care for me.. Yeah.. I agree.. I may be selfish.. I may be too aggresive.. I scold them alot.. But did they know.. I did it just for them? They didn't.. Well.. Maybe they've been thinking.. I'm not a good friend.. I'm not a good daughter.. I'm not a good sister.. Nor a prefect.. I'm just a failure.. I failed to do everything.. I sacrifice everything for it.. But what I've gain.. Nothing.. Not even a token of appreciation.. Sometimes I just wish that.. I can get to sleep till never wake up.. How nice if I can.. Monday, June 22, 2009 It had been raining cats and dogs, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy.She called and said she was coming up.It was the third time she came up to see him that week. He carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm. He walked up to her and said, "You should not come see me anymore," and stuff like how they should not be together. She said, "I miss you." He told her coldly, "Let's go, I'll take you home." She did not open up her umbrella, He knew she wanted to share his. He said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go.".Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with him to the car. She said she haven eaten lunch or dinner and asked if they could stop at some place to eat.Right away he answered with a stoned heart, "No!" Disappointed, she asked him to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home. Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. They waited and waited, she looked at him innocently. Being together for so long, of course he knew what she meant. He understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and he treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at him, He felt guilty and wanted to let her stay for the night.But reality struck again, He said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station." They were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of them, and they got along well. They would always do things together.They were more like a family, but he did not know he would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, they developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and he stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year he was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how they kept the treasured relationship. They were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of him and he was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. He wanted to just take her in his arms, but with the love he had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, he did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this." With her begging, his cold heart softened, but he still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. He was just sitting on the benches looking like he wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. He knew she was looking for what they wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If he remember it right, it said, "Chris and Magdaline was here, Chris had tea and Magdaline was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Magdaline would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face. She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore." He felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into his heart, the kind of pain he have never felt before. But all he could do was pretend he did not care, and said, "Can we go now?" He opened up his big black umbrella, she was just standing there, did not want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl aren't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?".He did not say a word, just looked down and shook his head. After that they just kept on walking towards the train station, never say a word to each other. Four years ago, the doctor said he had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, he started living his normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. He did not think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, his stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened him again. First he thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that he could not take it anymore. He went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that he did not want to believe.It was just like out of frying pan,into the fire. He was at the most glittering part of his life. He wanted himself and the people around him to go through the least pain possible, so he decided to commit suicide. But he could not let people find out about his intentions, especially Magdaline, the person he love the most in this whole world, who still does not know about the truth. Magdaline was still young, she should not go through this. So he made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three year's feelings. He did not have much time, because he would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually.Just like death warmed over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what he had in mind.The train had stopped running so he called a taxi for her. They were just standing there, waiting, loosing their last moments in silence.He saw the taxi from far away, He held his tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself.".She did not talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, they became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. He opened the door for her and she got in, then he close the gate that would separate him from her forever. He stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in his life, also the last one, walking out of his life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally he could not hold his sorrow and the twist in his heart any longer, waving his arms rapidly chasing after the taxi. He wanted to tell her he still love her, he wanted to tell her to stay, he wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down on his face, blended with the cold rain drops. He was cold, not because of the rain. He was cold inside.She left, and he never get anymore of her phone calls even until today. He know she did not see his tears, because they were washed away by the rain. He left without regrets.And that was the last time she saw him. Monday, June 15, 2009    Yesterday marmie bought alot dresses for me.. Hehehe.. Happy happy.. But sad thing was.. I failed for ma physics,add mathx and history.. Don't know "Hari Terbuka" that day how to die.. Hehehe.. Lalalas.. Tired.. I want tidor.. Later somemore got tuition.. T.T.. I go sleep awhile first.. Good night.. Update soon.. |
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